The Professional Martyr’s Catalog

GAMES

One Man Twister: This is a game for one person only. They have to manage to put their hands and feet on all the circles by themselves while other people take turns telling them what they need to do. The more impossible the positions, the better.

Solitaire 2.0: Especially designed for the worker doing everything alone (version 3.0 available soon!)

Crusades: Played like Charades, except all the answers are religious in nature.

Confession Monopoly: The cards you draw tell you how many our father's and acts of contrition you have to say, etc. Instead of jail, it's purgatory. The property you own is in heaven.

Consecration (played like Concentration): The cards are like the parts of mass (chalice, bread, cloth) and other sacred things. The winner is also consecrated. They can declare themselves a saint.

Operation Becomes "Crucifixion": The parts of the body are like "sore feet" (from being on them so much), carpal tunnel (from all those long hours, correcting other people's work), stomach ulcers, headache (from wearing the crown of thorns because, of course no one else cares), aching back (from the cross).

Mental Keep Away

Mystery Mood

What's Worse - Dealing with Me, or Having Your Foot Amputated with the Side of a Protractor?

ACCESSORIES

Mini Plastic Ball and Chain Anklet
Extra Large Shoes (my shoes are mighty big to fill)
Albatross Necklace
Thorned Head Bands
Atlas Back Packs, especially good for taking lots and lots of work home with you
Saint Masks (Look at me, I'm Mother Teresa today!)

CLOTHING

Jailbird Jumpsuit (Bright Orange Prison Wear, for the hostage that you are)
Sacrificial Lamb T-Shirts
Ghandi Gowns (bald cap included)

TOYS

Holy Water Squirt Gun (bring it to meetings and douse all the positive members of your team)

Martyr Clocks: The numbers on the face of the clock are replaced with reminders: “time to complain to the person over the cube wall” “time to send out group email, reminding everyone of your endless burdens”

Woe is Me Talking Doll (pull the string, let the whining begin)

Plastic Zeus Lightning Bolts, used for striking down the advice and assistance of concerned friends and coworkers

Self Flogging Devices: How to Beat Yourself to Oblivion in 5 Minutes or Less

Plastic Halos and Wings

Starvation Kits

Crystal Balls (to give to your coworkers so they can read your mind)

Empty Vile (Fill it with your blood, then distribute.)

BOOKS

"How to Maximize Your Pity"
"A Whine from God"
"You Can Never Be Too Thin or Have Too Much Sympathy"
"Martyr Stewart's Living"
"Self-Inflicted Mental Munchausen"
"It's a Dirty Job, But Someone Has to Annoy Everyone"
"Dodging Good Advice: How to Make a Difficult Job Worse"
"Taking Guilt Up a Notch: What to Do When Your CoWorkers Don't Respond"
"Feel Bad, Be Heard: How to Cope if No One Seems to Care"
"Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Squeakiest Wheel of Them All?"
"Martyr vs Martyr: What to Do When You Have a Competitor"
"All Work, No Play"
"Martyr Fitness: How to Successfully Dangle from a Ledge”