Want Some Passive with that Aggressive?

What happens when you are forbidden to talk about mistakes or snafus or be negative in any way in the workplace? When you are told to be nice or else? It's called passive-aggressive and here's a little sampling of how anger was processed in an old, old job of mine. I am honestly surprised that I remember these details so clearly.

1. Chocolate.
Loads of it. It was on every desk, tucked away in the corners of the copy area, available in the main conference room, right by the phone. It was inhaled.

2. Holding Important Project Material Hostage.
If I can't punish you, I will punish your project. I will insist that I cannot release something to you because I need to (do something important and mysterious to it) and I will not tell you when I can get it back in your hands. If you try to offer solutions to help speed the process along, I will make up excuses as to why your suggestions will not work until I exhaust you.

3. Playing Dumb.
Did I see that? I'm sure I didn't see it. Honestly, had I seen it, I certainly wouldn't let it go out the door like this. Unfortunately, we'll need to re-do all of your hard work.

4. Selective Hearing and/or Reading.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Did you really say that? Oh, dear, I'm sure I would have responded right away if you had notified me. You sent me an email? I guess I didn't receive it. What's that? You have a copy of it? You must have sent it the day we had all those network problems.

5. Talking in Circles.
Since I am too stubborn to supply things to you on your terms and within your timeframes, I don't have the very important deliverable at this time. Rather than give you a specific idea of when I might be able to produce it, I'm going to talk about other aspects of the project. The stuff that I control. You will leave my office in a state of utter confusion. You will ask yourself, "What just happened in there?"

6. Dodging Bullets/Boomerang.
Wow, that was a very direct question. I recognize that answering the question honestly will certainly incriminate me and reveal my incompetence. I think I will respond to your question with a question, preferably something that suggests that you're the inept one.

7. Creating Diversions.
So we're in crunch mode and we've got an immovable deadline. I think this is a good time to host a baby shower for whats-her-name down the hall. I’ll start the planning right now!

8. Shopping.
I'm aware that you've asked me repeatedly for the status report, however, there is a sale at the boutique across the street. I've got priorities, you know. I swear, I will only require that you to ask me once more.

9. Forcible Lunching.
Since you've all worked so hard on this project to make up for my lack of planning and urgency, I'm going to treat you all to lunch. How does that sound? Oh, you'd rather smack yourself in the back of the neck with a two by four than spend any social time with me? Well, guess what - you WILL have lunch because I SAID SO. Now, put your goddamn coats on.

10. Neglecting to Divulge Important Information
By the way, I'll be on vacation for the next 3 weeks. Since I am a very important part of this project, I suppose everything will need to go on hold until I've had a sufficiently wonderful time in an exotic place. I know I should have told you sooner, but that would have been the considerate and responsible thing to do. I suppose you are really screwed now, aren't you? Well, that matters very little to me since the additional resources you are going to have to hire to make up for my little excursion will be coming out of your department's budget, not mine. As usual, I will come out smelling as fresh as a sprig of rosemary.

11. Becoming a Martyr.
Another breakneck schedule, huh? Well, there goes my weekend! Thanks a lot. No, no, no, I don't need any help. I'd prefer to breath heavy sighs, day in and day out. Did I mention that I'm also a crisis maker? Because of the suppressive nature of this company, I can't be negative toward people, but there's no rule about being fatalistic about the project. If I detect a minor flaw, be warned that I will exaggerate it until we are all downright fatigued.